So it's been such a long time since i've updated everything mostly because i didn't have internet at home cuz everyone told me i needed a credit card, but as it turns out i really don't...so i waited all this time for nothing...oh well...

So here are some updates...

WORK
working at the Siniktarvik Hotel, as a server. But i don't plan on being a server for very long, i'm working my ass off and trying to think of something to make me stand out. Altho i've been promised a front desk position as soon as we can hire more servers, so hopefully we get that done.
I really would like to work my way up to manager, it's been a goal of mine since highschool. A lot of people tell me i don't want the job cuz it's too much work for the money, but i think i'd enjoy it. I hope so anyway otherwise i'll have to come up with a new career goal.I love all the people I work with, i was able to get Pam a job there so it's nice to have my close friend there. And all the people are mostly nice.
I know i'm not working as hard as I used to there, but the thing is they've been telling me i'm moving to the front for a while now, and it still hasn't happened, I understand the need for more servers, but still, i'm beginning to loose hope.

BABY SHADY
I can't believe she's already almost one, I'm sooooo sooo excited. It's been such a crazy year, and I can't imagine her being as small as she used to be. But it's crazy how much she knows. She's not walking yet, and she's just starting to walk while holding one of my hads, she still gets a little nurvous tho. Her favourite songs are "if your happy and you know it" and basically anything you could head bang to. She just loves heavy metal, it's soo cute. She loves talking on the phone too, she'll cry if my mom doesn't talk to her at least every other day. Now that we have the computer she cries to go on it too, She knows there are online games she could play. She climbs up the stairs any chance she gets and goes nuts when we give her a bath. She still loves playing outside and is starting to hate having to get dressed up for winter. I could go on and on about her, but those are the major ones...love her...

ME AND HIM
I'm still with guy, and thinks are going good. We've been talking alot about our future and are starting to make some plans, nothign set in stone but I think we have the same idea for what we want, when will get it is the only question. We really need to be moving into a bigger place, but who knows when that will be.

So that's my updates, i'm not really sure whatelse i should go on about, but that's basically my life in a nutshell. Still love being in Rankin, and quite happy with where my life has taken me so far..

what makes someone ugly, what makes them hott??
As a girl I know all too well what it's like to feel inadequate.
To feel like your not hott enough, your boobs arn't big enough, you could've done without that second helping, or little snack.
No matter what some people say, it's always that one person's little comment, it doesn't even have to be to you. No matter how much weight you loose, how much you change your hair, make up clothes, anything...You still feel like it's not good enough.
I have a boyfriend, who i knwo loves me, who i know would never leave me for a nother girl. who i know doesn't think i'm hott, sexy, all the things a girl wants to be.
I know he thinks i'm beautiful, but fuck, your mom is beautiful. I'm his girlfriend, i want to be more.

sorry, i just feel very ugly right now. you know.
I just wish he could understand, i know he knwos something is bothering me, and i wish i could tell him. but i know if i do tell him, he'll start saying i'm hott or sexy, but he won't mean it. It will just be empty words.

Idk, i know i could try do something about it, loose weight and all. But youknwo, normally i really like how i look, i mean, i wish i had a little bit bigger boobs, but overall i don't hate my body, not until he says something about someone elses. and I know health wise i could stand to loose a few pounds, but i'm not like knocking at deaths door. I think i'm just slightly over weight.

IDK i just wanted to get soem stuff off my chest and hopefully feel a little bit better..which I do.

So guy is out again tonite, woo hoo..leaving me here alone..boring!
and I'm Quite worried about him..i don't know why but I have a sad feeling in the pit of my stomach. It's not that i'm worried he's going to cheat on me, i mean i think he is but it's not like i havn't done that to him too...
it's just, idk, i'm always afraid when he goes out drinking he's going to say the wrong thing to the wrong person and he'll end up never comming home, or he'll pass out somewhere and just freeze (which does happen here quite a bit :S)
I don't know, i just, i wish we could go out together, but he never seems to want to, i don't know why but he doesn't seem to like drinking iwth me..but anyway I'm just worried and had to tell someone..
thanx for listening
it really makes me feel better...
Hope you all are having the time of your life right now...

Looked like a few ppl were updating their journals so i figured i would jump on the wagon...
um...
I'm now living in Iqaluit (Nunavut's capital) with guy..it's pretty nice, i like our apartment, above of the hotel, theaters, stores, and BAR!! :D:D:D
lol not like i get to go often..
I'm not working, but i don't mind, lol, well I kinda wish i was working, just cuz i want some extra cash, and it's nice to see different ppl, but i think Shady is still too young to be left with a sitter..I just don't want her to be raised by other people.

Me and guy are doing not bad, we're getting close but taking a few steps back too..I came up wit a schedule to take care of our panik (daughter, shady) so that i don't feel like i'm always the one taking care of her, and it's actually working out really well. and I think he's starting to realize how much work she actually is. And she's sick right now so she's a wee bit crankier then usual.

I'm still not sure what our plans for the summer are, we were talking about going to Pangurtung (sp?), but idk, we both want to go home but i don't think we'll be able to afford it. well I KNOW we won't be able to afford it.

Shady is getting soo big and mobile..lol she can crawl backwards (forward when we're sleeping or not looking)...and stand for quite a while..lol she just has to work on her balance..she's starting to get very talkitive. hehe she doensn't actually say words, but she yells when you talk to her, liek she's responding..and she loves to talk on the phone..she can kind of respond to her name, when she's not distracted..
Me and Guy are talking about having another kid..lol i don't knwo how i'm not pregnant yet,lol idk i guess we shouldn't really have one yet, but i miss being pregnant and he watns another kid. And we're getting pretty settled in..idk, it's just something we've been talking about..
um..idk what else to write about, but hope you guys enjoyed my lil update..comment plz, tell me what you've been up to or what you think anything!!
SAM

wow, it's been a while since i've updated...oh well..i'll just give the gist of things...

So i broke up with Guy last week. I don't really consider it breaking up cuz i Know we're going to end up together..I still really love him, he just needs to grow up a little more and realize we have a family and need to change our priorities and whatever...but IDK i wish he would talk to me. ANd i get the feeling that he is going to stop helping out with my panik at all because he wouldn't even send us some moeny...but oh well...I've been alone for three months the only things that are changing is now I can actually see other people...and that's all..I don't have to worry about him being mad at me for anything or whatever, so I'm feeling a little less stressed...
I started getting really depressed again...but i stoped that by drinking, not lit enough to be drunk just a little buzzed all day long...so i'm not too happy about hat and i know it's borthering my brother cuz well..i'm pretty waisted all the time..and it's not exactly cheap..oh well..everyone has their fix i guess..

My panik is going to go visit my parents on tuesday which will be nice, i'll have a few days away from her, and they'll be able to see their grand daughter again..so i'm happy.

and yeah..idk, if you guys want care to see more pics of her, or read more of my blogs you should check out ma bebo..it's the web page i have linked here..lol..
but yeah idk what else to write about..
miss ya'll
SAM

PS happy Birthday KELLY!!!!

So i'm getting close to going two weeks alone. And Guy doesn't call as much as he used to (which is understandable as it's EXPENSIVE)..but I'm starting to really feel like I need attention..which is not good, cuz if I need it bad enough i know i'm going to cheat on him..which I KNOW don't want to..but idk, I'm so tired or being a single mom, and feeling like he's out there having the time of his life...I know he's not drinking everynight and parting like it's 1999 or anything like that..but I keep picturing him having it so easy. I mean I love my Panik (daughter) to death, but I HATE being single. I feel like i'm in hell.
It's not like I can't live without a boy..It feels like we're not going out, but I still have to follow all his stupid rules. (WHich i don't)..I have all the bad things about our relationship and non of the good..
I know everything will get better once we're together again. Long distance relationships Suck soo much, I'm never doing it again..

And if we're not there by the end of the month, I'm creating a new plan, I feel stupid for waiting around for him..just stupid..

Dear Santa... Dear Santa, This year I've been busy! In May I helped lissianna hide a body (-173 points). Last Saturday I helped babebeegurl see the light (8 points). In February I gave nerbe a Dutch Oven (-10 points). In July I put gum in tearsofclarity's hair (-12 points). In June I set tiffernickel's puppy on fire (-66 points). Overall, I've been naughty (-253 points). For Christmas I deserve a spanking! Sincerely, xxxposerxxx

Write your letter to Santa! Enter your LJ username:

wow, sounds like i'm a pretty mean girl..heheh..oh well.. but lately things have been going good, i'm starting to get used to the idea of being a single mother again :P..since GUy is going away for school...at least it won't be for tooo long..i hope. But ma panik is doing really well, she's 3 months now..it's so crazy..We just got a jolly jumper for her, she bounces a little but not that much..it's so cute tho..hehe..
I'm just at work watching the kids nap..i work at a daycare..which is so awesome, the kids are so sweet..but Friday is going to be my last day so I could be a stay at home mom while Guy is away at school. We Finally got a Phone, thank god. It was horrible.
Things with me and Guy are going really good, we're still a little worried about what it's going to be like to be apart for so long again, but i mean, we still both love eachother and really want to be together. I really want to tell him not to go and to just stay with me, but I'm afraid that if i do, he'll listen and end up not going, and even tho it will suck to be alone again, i know him going to school is better.
but yeah, i can hear one of the kids moving around, i think they're awake..better go check it out..

MISS YA"LL
sam

So me and Guy worked out a lot of things, he said he would stop trying to control me, which makes me happy, but i mean I still don't know if I can really trust him..But i'm hopoing.
He's going to be taking a course in Iqaluit so he'll be gone by Jan.7th and we'll be joining him as soon as we can find an apartment.
So i'll go back to being a single mother..atleast i'llh ave my own place and friends and such..
but yeah just at work so I just figured i;d do a quick update..
ttyls

So i'm with at Catherines house cuz we still don't have the internt, or a phone, or anything really..but showly we're getting there..I just don't know ifI want to stick around long enough to get there.
I'm so sick of the way guy is acting. He expects me to cook and clean for him and all this stuff that i'm not going to do. He wants me to change who I am.
I understand that I can't keep living the way I did because I have a baby now, but at the same time I can't completly change who I am.
I just don't know what to do. I love him so much and want to be with him. But I don't want to change. I think i'm going to end up moving out. but I don't want to. we just need to work this out. and I don't know how we're going to do it.
I just wish he could be less old fashion.

In other news i'm now working at a daycare and I love it the kids are so cute, and it's such easy work.

Shady is doing really good, she's going through a growth spirt so she's eating a lot. Anyway I don't want to take up too much time so I'll have to stop for now.

MISS YA ALL

so i'm back home now..and i have been for like a week...which i absolutely luv..it was weird at first cuz i wasn't sure how well i'd be able to transition into going back to the old me..like, idk it's not that i change hard core when i'm not here but I know i act different..and i know the boyz notice cuz they think i'm a total bitch after being home..but oh well i'm actually happy, I don't think as much so i'm a lot happier I don't worry about what other people think and I don't always feel like I need to change when I'm here..idk why but ppl here always made me feel like i was normal..even if i'm not like them it's never been a bad thing, i've always felt accepted...
I miss my friends and whatever, but i mean after I had Shady things wern't the same, not like we didn't talk or anything, but i mean it was weird talking to them knowing that they get to go out and party and whatever and i'm stuck at home with a baby, i always felt like I was so old, or that I had to like grow up before i was ready, but here I feel like I can still take the time I need to adjust to having a kid and that's aweosme, i love knowing that I'm not being rushed or forced into doing anything..
Tuesday was me and GUy's eleven month anniversary, i know he doesn't care about the days and whatever, but I still love knowing that I could actually not get bored of someoen for that long, i'm actually really quite suprised...I really didn't think it would last more then a month, like I said before it was a highschool crush thing and I knew eventually he would get bored of me..but hehe I fooled him for this long, i'm sure I can keep it up..lol...nah I like what we have...
Tomorrow is the dance woo hoo, i know it's super dorky but i mean with no clubs or bars around here it's the best form of entertainment and I've been trying to learn how to C-walk, and i have the basic steps down but I just can't figure out how to spell things out and whatever..if any of you guys know how to c-walk i'd love some advice..hehe..
anyways i should go,,,actually i just can't think of anything else to say..
MISS YA

...my baby shot me down

So I decided that I will go with Guy. The decision was not about if i wanted to live with him, cuz we lived together before I came down here to have Shady (even tho technically I was still at my aunts, but i mean, i went home once or twice a week if that)
I was worried about falling for Guy, I didn't trust that he wouldn't hurt me. But I thought about it, and thought about our past and what we've been through and I realized that he has always been there for me, even when he screws up he does what he has to to make things better, no matter how stupid I make it.

I know it won't be perfect, but he'll try his best to make it what i expect...

what ban i say, he shot me down..all i can do is fall for him

So, just a little update about me and guy...

OLD PLAN
I planned to move back home and live with him..fun yay, i'm back with my firends and family, if things don't work out with us then i have family and friends to help me out so i'm not completly on my own..awesome, we live happily ever after, as a couple or not..

THEN IT CHANGED
then he applied for a course in Iqaluit (a different town) so now, the plan is, i move back home, the friends, the family etc.. and if he is accepted in January he goes away to school, and I stay in Rankin and we continue our long distance relationship and still live happily ever after..

A NEW OPTION
now he e-mailed me and told me that he wants me to come with him if he is accepted, which I totally understand, he wants to be with his daughter, and whatever, and i mean if we're going out we should be together..and I do want to be with him..but if i go i loose my safety net..

i just don't know what to do..i am so shocked that he asked me to go with him..this is the big gesture that i was waiting for; it shows that he really wants to be with me, and wants to be serious..but now i wonder..

am I ready to be serious??

I'm not depressed all the time, it only lasts a few minutes, sometimes a few hours when it gets bad it lasts days..It's like the contractions where when i had them I was in so much pain and everythign for the ten or fifteen seconds they lasted then all of a sudden i was better. Like nothing happened..
When I do get depressed I feel like a completely different person, it's like i'm watching a dream i say stuff id ont' understand and i start thinking differently. I don't always remember what i said cuz it's not really me who says it..
it's feels a lot like a bad trip, i get paranoid like everyone is out to get me, they have some huge plan worked outto get rid of me. No one wants me around but they won't admit it to me. They tell me they love me or whatever just because they feel sorry for me, not because they mean it.
If eel like I don't deserve to be happy, i don't deserve all the things i have and i'm being selfish for keeping it all. I should be alone so that no one has to deal with my problems.
The whole tiem I'm thinking and feeling these things part of me knows i'm wrong, i know that no one is out to get me and I know I deserve to be happy. I hear the things i say and i know that's not how I feel, So i end up constandly fighting with myself, I end up confused and being to think that maybe that is what i really think, that when i feel like everyone is out to get me, and think that i dont' deserve to be happy maybe i'm right.
I stat feeling like maybe when I'm depressed that's who I actually am, that's how I realy feel, and I start thinking about how horrible it would be to live like that, how I know I can't handle feeling like everyone is out to get me, liek I don't deserve to be happy. And that's when I start thinking it would be better for me and everyone else if I just stopped thinking, stopped feeling just stoped living.


I wrote this to try to explain to guy why i keep telling him i hate him and stupid stuff like that..i was hoping that I could handle it on my own, but I think i'm going to have to get some professional help..which sux.

well it's not really about the end of the world, but it's the end of my world.
I'm 80% sure that i'm getting post pardum depression..which really blows..
it's not too terribly bad yet..i'm just starting to get flashes of depression, but this is how it usually starts..
i feel parinoid
i think and say things i never wanted to think or say again
i sleep more
i'm inhailing advils like crazy because i have unexplained pains
I cry over nothing
everything is like super importnat for somereason, and it's either REALLY good, or REALLY bad..usually really bad.

and yeah, it doesn't seem so bad when i write it down, but when i'm going through it, it sux..what's worst is in the beginning like right now, I know what's going on, like I know that I don't mean what I say while i say it, and I know what i'm thinking isn't really real or the truth..but eventually if you tell a big enough lie for a longenough time, ppl believe it..and that's what happens. one part of me, lies to the other, eventually i believe it.

I've already upset some ppl, i'm a total bitch to my parents, who i think are starting to catch on, which really sux, cuz I don't want them to find out i'm getting depressed again, cuz i'm afraid that they'll want me to stay here..and i"m not going to do that..I want to go back home..which is why i really don't want anyone to find out..i mean, i know I can handle it, it's not that big of a deal. and plus, i DON"T want to go on antidepressants again, i might as well be a vegetable on them, i don't fell super depressed when i take them, but i also dont' feel happy..i just am..and that doesn't really seem like a great life to me.

I just really miss Guy too, and i mean, i don't want to keep him from Shady for too long, i know how much he wants to be with her and how mcuh he misses us. And he is being really understanding about all of this, because he's another person i'm hard core lashing out on. I keep accusing him of lying, and keep saying that he doesn't really mean what he says..and just stupid stuff like that..he's being really sweet, and reasures me everytime we talk that everything will be ok..and i know he's right...hehe he's the only one who doesn't make me feel like the devil for having a baby. I mean I know everyone loves her and whatever, but they still have their little comments "you should've waited a little longer".."too bad your stuck now"..and what not, i know they mean well but, it hurts to hear stuff like that..

so yeah, that's what's been going on..i feel a lot better now.

so i've been thinking about my life, and what i have..and it's really good..
I'm 19, pretty healthy, finished my first year of college (it's not THAT great, but i mean it's something)..fell in love with a guy who understands my need to be myself, and always gives me space when i need it... and have a beautiful daughter

but I'm not happy..well imean, i'm happy but..idk..
Guy is not the same as when we first started going out..since we had Shady he's so sweet and like the prefect boyfriend; he says the right thing when i need him to, and has little suprises..and imean, you would think i'd love it..but it's weird..I feel like i'm growing up too fast, not because of Shady or anything, but because a lot of people expect us to be like a married couple..and i'm not sure if i want to spend the rest of my life with Guy.
It's not like he's the one expecting me to commit, we both agreeded that we're not ready for marriage or anything like that, so if we do want to see other ppl it's ok, as long as we talk about it and stuff..but i mean, i come from a really small town and gossip travels fast, and I just hate to think what ppl will say if i don't stay with guy..and i mean, we'll be living together, so that would be even worst..

idk, i think i'm just putting pressure on myself, that i really don't need..all that matters is that me and Guy want the best for our daughter, if that means we're not together, then ppl can say what they want.

so i uploaded two pics of Shady..idk if it worked tho, i havn't used liverjournal for a while other then normal posts, but they're in my gallery..let me know if they didn't work eh..

Things are going great, she's still alittle angel..we're planning to go back home in November, i want to suprise Guy for his birthday, hopfully everything works out cuz that would be super..

not much else, finally starting to fit into some of my old clothes again, but I still have a bunch of baby fat to loose..it's weird, it's not like normal fat..it's like water..it's soo weird to be empty..lol anyway..hope you get to see the pics!

So i was wathing Dr.Phil today (I love that show!) and he was talking about teens with drug problems and stuff like that, and that got me thinking about when i was in highschool, and pretty much the time before I got pregnant...
I never thought I had a prohlem, and still don't believe i had an addiction, because I really don't think it was that bad..it was getting bad, and i mean it has the traits of an addiction, but it wasn't as bad as it could've gotten..

It started out like anything else I do, something fun, that I did once and a while..just for something different. at the time I still was dealing with depression and whatever, I never felt like I was myself, and was crazy paranoid, but I was able to hide it..no one knew that everything I did was a carefully thought out plan, I always worked out in my head what would happen after I said or did anything..even if it was just a simple conversation that would be frogotten in minutes, I always thought about what I was saying and always had different synarios for how it would play out..like how chess players plan out a game from the beginning, I always knew how i was going to respond to whatever they said, and i always knew how the conversation was going to go...because I always felt like they were out to get me..not like out to get me, but like..idk..like they had their own plan for the conversation, that by talking to me they were looking to embarass me, or figure out how fake i was..or whatever they could think of..everyone was out to get me..

Needless to say, all that thinking was starting to get to me..I couldn't sleep i would stay awake for days, thinking about the conversations I had, how i could've done better, what I should've said, what I didn't say..what i would say next time..I'd stay awake for days until I finally passed out from exhaution...I always felt afraid, and I never stoped thinking, I couldn't stop, I felt like I had to beat them..

I slowly started hearing things..not really hearing things, more like thinking things, but it didn't feel like I was thinking, it ws someone else thinking, that I could hear..

That's when I started cutting myself, after I cut myself I stopped thinking as much, i was able to concentrate on the pain I felt in my arm, leg or wherever..i slept more, thought less...but ppl noticed..no one really said anything, my friends understood, they did the same..we were teenagers, it's what we do..just a phase I guess..

well I really didn't like the idea of cutting myself, cuz i knew it was bad, and I knew I was hurting my self, and I didn't want to do that..so I started getting high..

It became a regular thing...started out at like once a week, just enough to help me sleep once and a while..then a little more..two times a week..then it became daily, just at like lunch, just for a quick pick me up..if i had it at lunch, then when I got home I was ready to burn out and sleep the night away, no thinking, no worrying about what ppl thought, just sleeping...

pretty soon i didn't burn out as soon as I got home, a lot of time I didn't burn out at all..so I started smoking more, and more...unitl I wasn't smoking anymore, i wasn't high anymore, I just was...

I remember the first time I started to realize that I might have a problem when I was talking to my friend Ross, he never liked drugs or anyone he knew doing it..I was acting really stupid cuz i just finihed getting stonned..and I told him I was sorry, it's not my fult i was just high..then he said "Arn't you always high.."...the words are like a question, but it didn't really seem like a question..more like a statement..I was always high..I got super pissed at him, and instantly began defending myself..telling him i'm not always high, it's a natural drug, it's not bad..blah blah, all the usual stuff that ppl say when they're trying to hide something..that's an interesting thing about lies, when your getting caught, you just try and overload the person with information to get them to forget the lie..
Anyway, I started thinking about what he said, and I started wondering how he could say something like that..he's the only one who ever complained about it, only person who made it sound bad..I should'nt care what one person thinks..
then I started thinking about the people I hung out with, why they never said anything about it..well they said stuff, but never anything seriously telling me to stop..then I realized that most of the ppl I hung out with did drugs too, worst drugs..and they met me after I started to do drugs..they never knew me sober..maybe like for five minutes they would see me in the morning before I got high, but other then that I didn't have a conversation with anyone while I was sober...they didn't know me sober, they only knew me high..that started to bother me..so I got more stonned..

One day, one of my friends kinda broke my heart, well he didn't really break my heart, but the only think i ever expect from people is that they're honest with me, good news or bad, I just want to know..and he lied to me..and it sucked, cuz he always said he doens't lie to me and whatever..anyway, that hit me really hard, I couldn't handle it..I tried getting stonned but I kept thinking, thinking the way I never wanted to think, about how everyone is just out to get me, about how i let myself down, how I should've been prepaired for something like that..I shoul've had a plan..
When I went home, I still was thinking, I didn't know what to do..I tired cutting myself..didn't work, I coulnd't even feel the pain, I didn't even realize I was bleeding..so iw ent to the bathroom, opened up the cabinet and took some tylonal..kind of a lot, I wasn't planning to take so much, but i just wanted to sleep and I couldn't...SO i took more..
My mom came home and found me..took me to the hospital, they made me take this really gross stuff..it was charcoal, to make me puke..i could still taste it..I had to talk to CSU (crisis stablelization Unit)..I was hooked up to an IV..it was weird..they were all treating me like I tried to kill myself..i couldn't understand why they would do that..I never wanted to die..
My parents were so sad..they knew I did drugs, but they never knew the whole story..
anyway, that was a pretty scary moment in my life..made me think about what I was doing, and stuff..did it make me stop doing drungs?? NO!
I knew i didn't want to die, I just had to be more safe, it wasnt the first time I took pills to help me sleep, it was just the firt time I got carried away..I don't take tylonal for that anymore..too many bad memories..
Things seem to get better for a long time, I was able to control my drugs better, i was still high most of the time, but I didn't OD..or get caught anyway..and ppl started to see me sober..
I went to rankin. It felt great...I stopped thinking everyone was out to get me, I was happy with who I was..still doing drugs, but i felt like I was doing them for a differnt reason, i was actully doing them just to have fun, not to be someone else..not to calm down or sleep..just for fun..

I never got into any trouble because of my drugs, I was keeping up with school and everything..nothing seemed wrong..I still did drugs when I needed to calm down and stuff, but it wasn't everyday or anything so I figured it wasn't bad..

Then I started going out with Guy, got pregnant, and had to quit doing drugs...it was the HARDEST thing i've ever had to do..which suprised me because I wasn't addicted..my moodswings were so bad, I felt like I was always crying, I'd stay awake for nights at a time, i couldn't sleep...but I didn't want to do drugs anymore, I realized that it can't always be my answer to my problems..that eventually I would have to deal with them, I couln't keep acting like nothing was wrong, and I couldn't pretend that I was someone else..I had to be myself..
I've never been happier...I love my panik, and i'm so glad she forced me to change my life..I still don't think i had a problem, but now i know for sure, everything is going to be alright..i still have a hard time sleeping sometimes, thinking that I'll loose everything that makes me happy, that i'll go back to the way things were..but then I remember, that I have a baby, and she needs me to be ok, and she needs to know me..not me on drugs..and I want everyone around me to know me, the real me, the me I make up..I realize that now I'm really living mylife..it's not always a awesome trip..but when it is, it's the best high i've ever gotten..no drug will ever give you the same feeling that true happiness gives you..

So for those of you who don't know, i FINALLY had my baby. She was born on September 19th at 3:45PM..
She was 7lbs 14oz..19inches long..
lol
idk, she's perfect (i'm sure every parent says that)

but I've had her at home for 5 days, and things are going great, i couldn't have asked for a better child! she's perfectly quiet for 4 hours, then for like five minutes she fusses to remind me she's hungry and when she needs a change or burp then she goes back to being a perfect angel..
then only hard times is when she has gas, but even then she's not as bad as a lot of ppl make it sound.

I'm starting to adjust and get used to her schedule, and finally starting to nap when she does, so i'm getting enough sleep for myself.

She's starting to make faces and whatever which are totally adorable! i never want to take my eyes off of her..

but we'll be in the winnipeg area with my parents until probably the beginning of november, just so that we can be sure that everything is ok and whatever..then back home so she can spend time with her daddy, who i'm sure totally hates me for keeping her here for so long, but I know he understands..

things wit me and guy are going really well, he was able to be here for the birth, but had to leave before we were able to leave the hospital which was really hard, but at least he was able to see her...She reminds me of him so much sometimes...but she mostly looks like me..lol..

but yeah just wanted to make the announcement!!

I have some country song in my head, idk if anyone ever heard it..i can't remember who sings it but i's like
"that picture from our honey moon (something something something) give it away..just give it away...That big ol' 4 poster bed where all our love was made give it away...just give it away.."

or something like that..lol..


Spent another kick but day at the beach today ..yay.. it actually was fun, ispent like the first 2 hr alone sewing cuz my parents and Qaum went sailing...whihc I didn't mind, it was the longest i've been alone since comming down here...cuz i'm scared to be along cuz i only have A FEW DAYS LEFT (YAYAYAYAYAYYAYAYAYAYA)

Then me and Qaum went swimming, it was actually really fun...it's been a while since I went swimming at a real beach, and the waves we got from like ppl boating and whatever were fun..lol..it reminded me of when we were younger and my parents used to take us to my uncles cabin and whatever..
But it sucked cuz by the tiem me and Qaum got out where it was really far, and like we could go right up to boats my dad sailed around us and said I shouldn't be out that far and bla bla bla...oh well..

We went to my uncles cabin afterwards and had supper and whatever..it was kewl, they were all really suprised that I went swimming and Auntie Margeret was all like "WHat if you had a baby in the water..what would you have done then??"...as if i'm going to have a baby that fast..lol..i wish..

but yeah..awesome day!!

14 MORE TO GO!!

so me and Guy's almost 8 month is comming up, which is exciting, I don't think we'll be able to talk tho cuz he'll still be away for his sports thing :(
but I did manage to send him a card that I made from pics of when we frist started going out..he sounded excited when I told him abut it (as excited as any boy can get)

I'm starting to get annoyed with him..not like annoyed, but like, when I'm super happy, he always seems so pissed of at me for being happy..I know I can get really annoying when i'm in a super happy mood because I'm never serious, about anything..but I mean that's just how I am.

So now i'm starting to not show how insanly happy I am, just to try not to annoy him, but I mean, i can only hold it in so long. ANd it pisses me off that I even have to do this..idk, I wanna yell at him, but I can't cuz well, it's weird to have talks like that over the phone..
I think when he does come down we're going to be fighting a lot, but at the same time we'll be lovin a lot too..so I can't wiat

I just hope everything fucking works out..